The Spirit of Christmas

La sceneggiatura

 
Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone

 Original transcription by Paul Swanson (pswanson@uiuc.edu)

 HTML and updates by Tim Skirvin (tskirvin@uiuc.edu)

 More updates by Tony Sanders (sanders@earth.com)

 

 

Cast:

Stan

 

Kyle

 

Cartman

 

Kenny

 

Jesus

 

Santa

 

Brian


[Music. Scene Snowy hill.]

 

Kids

We wish you a merry Christmas,

 

We wish you a merry Christmas,

 

We wish you a merry Christmas--

Stan

What? wait a minute.

Kyle

What?

Stan

Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?

Kyle

Yeah, I think so.

Stan

Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas.

Kyle

What?

Stan 

You're sposed to sing Hanukkah songs! 

Kyle 

"Dreidel dreidel dreidel,

 

I made you out of clay,

 

Dreidel dreidel dreidel--"

Stan

That's a stupid song.

Cartman 

Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.

Kyle 

Don't you oppress me, fat boy.

Cartman 

Don't call me fat, buttfucker.

Kyle 

Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!

Cartman

Goddammit don't call me fat you buttfuckin' son-of-a-bitch!

 

[Angelic music, Jesus floats down from the sky.]

Kyle

What the--

Kenny

Mmmmm... (zips up hood)

Jesus

Behold my glory.

Stan

Holy shit, it's Jesus!

Cartman

What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?

Jesus

I come seeking...retribution.

Stan

*gasp* He's come to kill you cuz you're Jewish, Kyle!

Kyle

Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't kill me.

Jesus

Nay, fear not. I love All My Children.

Kyle

*whew*

Jesus

Tomorrow is my birthday. Yet all is not right.

Stan

Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude.

Jesus

I must find a place called "The Mall".

Kyle

Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus. 

Stan

Yeah! It's over this way.

 

[Kyle and Kenny exit]

Cartman

*ugh* Goddammit, you stepped on my foot you pigfucker.

Stan

Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus.

 

[Stan exits]

Cartman

Eh, fuck you.


[Scene: Buildings. Music.]

 

Stan

Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who are you looking for?

Jesus

Him!

Santa

Ho ho ho. We meet again, Jesus.

Jesus

You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle. 

Santa

I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.

Jesus

Christmas is for celebrating my birth.

Santa

Christmas is for giving.

Jesus

I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy.

Santa

This time we finish it. [stands, small child on knee flies off] There can be only one. 

Stan

Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

Jesus

Dhooo... [battle cry]

Santa

Dhooaa... [battle cry]

 

[Jesus and Santa fight]

Kids

Go Santa! [Jesus looks at them] Uh, go Jesus!

 

[Jesus and Santa fight more, Mortal Kombat style.]

Jesus

Chiang Quang Dho... [throws fireball]

 

[Santa moves out of the way]

 

[Fireball hits building, which collapses on three bystanders]

Santa

Yoch Toochie... [throws ice ball]

Jesus

[Jesus dodges] Whoa.

Kenny

Oh no. [Kenny's head flies off and knocks over statue, killing three more bystanders]

Kyle

Oh my god! They killed Kenny!

Santa

*muffled* Come on, you sunuvabitch, come on!

Jesus

Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.

Santa

No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him.

Jesus

God is watching you, boys. You know who to help.

Santa

Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?

Jesus

I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.

Stan

I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?

Cartman

I say we help Santa Claus.

Kyle

Eh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.

Cartman

Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew.

Kyle

You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go god DAMMIT that kid's a BIG FAT FUCK.

Cartman

Oh yeah? Well listen up...

Santa

Buttfuckin...

Kyle

I'm not the buttfucker, you're the buttfucker...

 

[mixed argument]

Kyle

Fuck you.

Stan

Wait, wait, just a second. Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?

Cartman

Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do?

 

[Music. Brian Boitano skates into the scene.]

Brian

Did someone say my name?

Cartman

Brian Boitano!

Kyle

What incredible irony!

Cartman

Yeah, it's Brian Boitano!

Brian

What's going on, kids?

Stan

Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus?

Brian

Kids...you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year in which we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bi-eee! 

 

[Brian skates away.]

Jesus

You fuckin' pussy!

Santa

C'mere! Come on!

Stan

Hey, Jesus! You have to understand that Santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy.

Kyle

Yeah. And Santa, you need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist!

Santa

You're right kids. I'm sorry Jesus.

Jesus

No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry Kringle.

Santa

Thank you boys.

Jesus

Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Kringle, I'll buy you an Orange Smoothie.

Santa

oooo!

Stan

*whew* That sucked.

Kyle

Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we actually spoke--to _the_ Brian Boitano.

Stan

Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing:

Cartman

Yeah, ham.

Stan

No not ham, you fat fuck!

Cartman

Fuck you!

Stan

Christmas is about something much more important. 

Kyle

What?

Stan

Presents.

Kyle

Ah.

Stan

Don't you see, Kyle?

Kyle

Yeah.

Stan

Presents.

Kyle

Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.

Stan

Wow, really? Count me in.

Cartman

Yeah, I'll be a Jew too.

Kids

[leaving]

 

"Dreidel dreidel dreidel 

 

I made you out of clay

 

Dreidel dreidel dreidel

 

With dreidel I will play!"

 

[Sign: "El Fin". Rats eat the remains of Kenny's body. Blackout.]

 

 

 
 

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Luca Fava
 Autore: Luca Fava (Copyright © 1997)